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Please note: I do not add anyone who does not have a net worth of at least 7 figures! Thank you!



Hello! My name is Francisco ugarte and I am 3 years old (and counting)! Fortunately for me, my parents own an oil mine in Iraq (we practically own the country), so I never have nor will I ever experience being ANYWHERE NEAR the middle-class! If you are currently living in an impoverished area and my actions seem insensitive to your barrio-scavenging lifestyle, just remember that I live in Beverly Hills, have personal ties to both Barack Obama and Ayman al-Zawahiri (أيمن محمد ربيع الظواهري), and can get both my lawyers AND my dad's AR-15 on your behind, so don't even THINK about messing with me!

Also, I am a HUGE fan of African-Americans and those of Islamic origins! If you fall into one of these categories, feel free to add me WITHOUT rejection! I am also currently looking for a biological female to keep me company during my spare time! However, I don't have a lot of spare time, because I'm usually at Lacrosse practice, watching Paw Patrol with my parents, playing computer games on my MacBook Air, and (usually) spending my time watching anime with my lifetime CrunchyRoll subscription!

Spoiler: I am a part of the Jacob Black Gang (JBG)! If you are an Edward Cullen fan, PLEASE DO NOT CONTACT ME!!!! I have an IP-Grabber and will NOT hesitate to SWAT your house! Keep your family safe and keep that propaganda away from me!

I have recently received a few requests from my peers and intellectual-equivalents to cuss in front of my parents. I will say this once more, I HAVE NEVER CUSSED ONCE IN MY LIFE, AND I PLAN TO KEEP IT THAT WAY UNTIL THE DAY I DIE! Thank you!

It has recently come to my attention that poor people (those who don’t have a net worth of at least 7 figures) also indulge in watching anime featuring Nekos, more commonly referred to as "Cat Girls". So, I issue the following decree to all of Iraq and effectively the United States of America: IF YOU HAVE UNDER 7 FIGURES IN YOUR SAVINGS ACCOUNT, DO NOT WATCH ANIME! IF YOU ARE CAUGHT VIOLATING THIS LAW, YOU WILL BE BEHEADED BY THE GLORIOUS LEADERS OF IRAQ! (my family) IF YOU ARE CAUGHT WATCHING ANIME DEPICTING NEKOS, (cat girls) YOU AND THE REST OF YOUR CURRENTLY LIVING BLOODLINE WILL BE SUBJECT TO CHINESE WATER TORTURE AND BEATINGS AT THE HAND OF THE IRAQ GOVERNMENT, (my family) WHICH WILL ULTIMATELY RESULT IN BEHEADING! This decree will go into effect on the date 12/10/2019 3:00 P.M. Pacific Standard Time.

Thanks for reading and make sure to ask your parents for some money, as I only talk to people who are as equally monetarily fortunate as me! 😄

Unfortunately for my “homies” in Iraq, steam does not like putting Arabic text from right to left, and I am currently not in the possession of an Arabic keyboard (I smashed my last one when someone default-danced on my dead body in the popular battle royale game Fortnite).

لسوء حظ "homies" في العراق ، فإن البخار لا يحب وضع النص العربي من اليمين إلى اليسار ، وأنا حالياً لا أمتلك لوحة مفاتيح عربية (لقد حطمت آخر لوحة لي عندما قام شخص ما بالرقص الافتراضي على جثتي في معركة شعبية لعبة رويال Fortnite)

لم يخلق الجن والإنس لعبد السنوات إلا السماوات السبع والأرض ، ولكن ليس الثناء فقط ؛ لكن لا تحجّح على أنه منقذ ينقذك من ظلام الأرض والبحر ويدعوه بالتواضع والإبداع في حين أن أنجانا من هذا يجب أن تكون بالتأكيد من رحمة ربكم ربك عبدك عبد الله زكريا كما دعا ربه السري. لقد كنت أحد عظامي وأحرقت



 

Questions answered from an ardent member of the LGBTQ- and furry community, an avid watcher of anime and CrunchyRoll, and an enthusiast in all things Nekopara and Doki-Doki Literature Club related!


Q: Do you kiss your father on the lips?
A: Of course I do! My family loves each other because we don't experience domestic divisions relating to monetary hardships!

Q: Where can I go to contact you if my net worth isn't at or above 7 figures?
A: You can't, junkie! Get off the computer and go make yourself some racks (unless you're investing in the stock market), cousin! However, if you do have over 7 figures in your bank account, feel free to add me on CrunchyRoll or speak to me on r/Anime and r/Nekopara, as I am the head moderator on both of these glorious Sub-Reddits!

Q: What are your favorite games to play?
A: My favorite game to play is Counter-Strike: Global Offensive. I think one that one of the reasons why I like Counter-Strike: Global Offensive so much is because of how easy it is, as I am always finding myself being one step ahead of my opponent! In other words, my game-sense is on FIRE! I'm so good at Counter-Strike: Global Offensive that a lot of people think I'm cheating, which isn't the case at all! I even asked my dad about it, because I thought it was weird that the Chinese anti-virus I recently installed allowed me to see people through walls, but he said it was just a glitch in the computer, so I'm just fine! I also really like how relaxing it is to just go into the game and shoot a bunch of people with my firearm! Sometimes when I'm at school, I pretend that I'm actually in the game, so I run around pointing finger guns at all my classmates and the teachers! Unfortunately, my dad is kind of a Debbie-downer, as he wouldn't let me bring his AR-15 to school so I could show my classmates my awesome Counter-Strike skills!

I also really like playing Doki-Doki Literature Club! I like playing this game because of the cutesy art style and how utterly beautiful the main characters are! Another reason why I like this game so much is because of how it has biological-female characters that I can talk to and look at! This game also RULES because the girls don't run away from me when I try to converse with them! Sometimes, I just stare at Yuri's distinctive feminine figure and fantasize about me meeting her at a pool party and then going on a lovely date!

Q: What games do you wish you could play?
A: I REALLY wish I could play the Nekopara franchise. I find the cats to be really cute! As well as this, I have recently had some sexual fantasies involving my dog Charlie, so it would be nice to experience this pleasure using visual and inconsequential stimuli! However, I was told that if I got the h-scenes with the game, it would display some bad things, so I'm going to try to stay away from that stuff. I think that might be the reason why my dad won't buy the games for me...

Q: Why do you like anime so much?
A: I like anime a lot because it allows me to exercise the sexual fantasies I have regarding 2D women! I think it's just perfect how loyal they are to you (especially the catgirls present in Nekopara!) and how they will never leave you despite the imperfections you have as a human being! Although I must admit, it would be nice to have a real-life biological-female to cuddle up beside me at night and make me feel loved in this world...

Q: Why do you like furries so much?
A: I like furries so much because they are the closest real-life people I have to the cat-girls that I fantasize over in games such as Nekopara. Sometimes I like to go behind them and lift their tails up and down and look at what's under there. They seem to like it when I do that even though they're all like 2 feet taller than me! Even the organizers at the event say to me that I'm too young to be at a convention such as FurCon, but all of the attendees and furries there all seem to just love me! Unfortunately, I'm only close friends with a few furries, because some of them are members of the LGBTQ+ community, which is quite a shame.

Q: Why do you hate gay people so much?
A: I hate the LGBTQ+ community because of how everyone at my school keeps on saying I have close connections to them! It's starting to get very, very annoying! Some of the kids at my school keep on calling me a "♥♥♥♥♥♥" and a "gaylord", even though I have no idea what these words mean. Ever since I told my dad about it, he continues to call the school saying stuff like "lawsuit on your hands" and "bullying" and he even put me in something he calls “therapy”. That’s crazy, huh?

Q: How are you so rich?
A: I thought you'd never ask! I’m in the Forbes Top 100 because my parents own an oil business in Iraq. Through these oil mines, my father has been able to donate money to the Shia Islamic state, in which they do some of his "dirty work". I asked him about this "dirty work", and he told me that they carry out terrorist plots across both the United States and Britain. This is also how we met Ayman al-Zawahiri (أيمن محمد ربيع الظواهري), who has been doing work for our family ever since we met him in 2017! As well as this, my parents have been investing in stock-market since 2009, and we now receive over 1 million dollars in passive income each week from the shares we hold in Apple, Microsoft, and fast food chains such as Wendys and Burger King!

Q: When did you guys move to America?
A: My family moved to America in 2017. I always found it weird how we have a lot of personal connections in Iraq (plus our oil business) and how my parents have always spoken out against American values such as cheeseburgers and being fat. More interestingly is that we moved to America just one month after we met Ayman al-Zawahiri (أيمن محمد ربيع الظواهري). Luckily, I got my answer, as my mom and dad said that we were moving to America to gather “intel” on counter-terrorist measures in the United States. I guess my parents really are deeply invested in their job! So use this as a life lesson if you are poor/in the middle class: as long as you work hard, you can become a member of the rich society just like my family and I!

Q: Why have you decided to make a law saying that poor people or those in the middle-class cannot watch anime?
A: For the simple reason that I cannot stand doing anything with my leisure and intellectual time that the poor also partake in. Playing video games isn’t too much of a problem as it doesn’t consume much of my life, but ANIME?? Not a chance for me to allow the lowest devils of the Earth to indulge in the pleasure I feel when watching anime... and to think that some of them have even started to touch themselves in their private-parts when they watch anime, something that I figured for myself! Gosh, I sure do hate poor people!

Q: Why do you say that you are a huge fan of African-Americans?
A: I really like anything that has to do with our black counterparts because they are so passionate about everything they do! They are strong-minded, strong-willed, and most importantly, have the largest phallic members on the planet! Don’t believe me? Well one time when my father was passing by the barrios on the way to Disneyland, a black person came to our car and stood in the middle of the street, making us stop the vehicle. He then pulled out a 9mm Smith and Wesson and demanded that my father gets out of our Corvette ZR1. We did, and then he drove off as fast as he could! I just find it so amazing that these creatures can do such a thing, as it must take some guts to pull that off! F4or that other part, you can just take it from me when I say that they have large penises! I come from experience, ya’ know?

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